For a long time I thought the word “sucker” must have been scribbled across my forehead, because I kept finding myself in relationships where people were taking advantage of me. They were using me for their own gain while leaving me with little to nothing in return, and sometimes these were individuals I considered friends. I thought they wanted a relationship with me because they liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, but eventually, I realized that the relationships were one-sided. I was the one doing most of the initiating, giving, helping, etc. The other party would only initiate if they needed something from me, or as long as I was doing what they wanted me to do.
A relator by nature. I value spending time with friends, having deep conversations, especially those that require introspection and lead to self-discovery. But as much as I enjoy these types of relationships, I found myself moving away from them and into isolation, because I was tired of the same old pattern. Another one-sided connection.
Then, one day, I was processing my dilemma and like the rising morning sun chasing the darkness away, a realization rose in my heart. There was one common denominator in each of these hurtful relationships.
Me.
An internal dialogue ensued.
Could I be the reason others think it’s okay to take advantage of me?
Yes, it is possible.
But how can I be responsible for how other people treat me? Shouldn’t that be their fault?
It seems that way. But could there be something you’re doing that invites this type of treatment?
Oh! I can see it now. Yes, there is.
Owning My Own “Stuff”
True to my personality, I was being nice and caring in these relationships, but I had my own ulterior motive, which led to me being overly-nice. What I’m about to write is not an easy thing to share. It’s not heroic, brave or idyllic. To be honest, it’s actually embarrassing.
So why share it? Well…maybe you or someone you share this with will have the sun rise on your own situation. Plus, I have this thing I say, “If sharing my mess can help someone else, it’s worth it.” So here we go…
Here I was, seemingly, in relationship after relationship where “these people” I trusted had ulterior motives, when I was doing the very thing I was (silently) accusing them of. I had ulterior motives as well. My motivation for being so nice, accommodating and giving was because I cared about them, but it was also to earn the love and acceptance I longed for, but didn’t believe I had. I wanted to be validated and seen as a good person.
But instead of living in my true identity, which still possessed kindness, care, good, and so much more, I opted to tap into the one thing I knew others would be less likely to reject and I chose to be overly kind…perhaps obnoxiously kind. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t confident that the whole me would be welcomed, loved, and accepted.
This “Fawning” I was doing overshadowed the unabridged me and only magnified that part of me a friend can call on when they need help. So that is what I became to them. The all-encompassing “Need Meeter.”
Is this to say that those individuals shouldn’t take responsibility for their mistreatment of me? No, not at all. It’s just that I need to take responsibility for the role I played in it. Palm to the forehead. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn’t thinking. This Fawning I was doing was a subconscious trauma response connected to relational trauma I had as a child.
What is Fawning Anyway?
Fawning is a word coined by psychotherapist, Pete Walker, which he considers to be the fourth trauma response in addition to Fight, Flight and Freeze. By Fawning in these unhealthy relationships, I was surrendering my boundaries and not considering my own needs. (Ingrid Clayton Ph.D., PsychologyToday.com)
Basically, I positioned myself flat on the floor in a high-traffic area, expecting to be embraced, but instead I was stepped on.
Fawning or people-pleasing is not only an unconscious response for those of us who have experienced childhood relational trauma; some of us may be experiencing it now, whether it’s an abusive partner, boss, or friend. It was/is a way for us to create perceived safety in an unsafe environment by appeasing or submitting to an abuser. It robs us of our ability to be our authentic self and prevents us from adhering to the values and boundaries that help define who we truly are.
How to Decrease the Need to Please
Scott Makin, Licensed mental health counselor, and co-founder of The Makin Institute for NeuroChange, says that in order to decrease people-pleasing, it is important to strengthen your “ability to know and honor your true self—your preferences, values, and purpose—without losing yourself in others’ expectations.” He goes on to say, “This includes:
- knowing what you like and dislike
- becoming comfortable with being different from others
- expressing your opinions
- and having healthy boundaries.
Makin also states, “Allowing yourself to be frustrated or angry is the fastest way to establish good boundaries and not be as impacted by people who are not pleased with you or even reject you.”
Deleting Toxic Experiences Through Relationships
Following the steps listed above will be helpful when it comes to diminishing the need to please others. However, Scott Makin asserts that the key to true healing comes through relationships.
“God designed our brains so that we need relational experiences that will delete the old, toxic ones that say we shouldn’t be different, have boundaries, or be angry for any reason. The most powerful way to deepen these new aspects of yourself is to find a safe relationship where you can be different, say no, or express anger, and they still enjoy you, respect you, and want to continue growing closer to you, rather than being distant and judgmental. This is called a Corrective Relational Experience (which best leverages the neuroscience principle of memory reconsolidation) that I refer to as ‘neurological grace.’ “
Having been Certified as a NeuroChange Professional at The Makin Institute, I apply the latest Neuro Science backed strategies I’ve learned as I work with my clients. So, the type of relationships Scott Makin refers to is indicative of the type of community we provide through our BrillianceMode Coaching and Community platforms. We create Corrective Relational Experiences that lead to long-term healing and transformation.
If you would like to learn more or be a part of our group coaching or community Click here.