2024 was a pretty intense year for me. By “intense’ I mean OUT. OF. CONTROL. It was a year of “too much.” I had too much travel, too many projects, and too many shiny propositions that ended up being major distractions from my carefully curated goals.
I found myself saying “yes” to too many good things, while the best things got put on hold. In my zeal to help and be a “blessing” to others, I forgot one important thing. Me. I had absolutely no margin in my life. No room for rest or refreshment. I also put my own plans second to the plans that others had for me and worse than that, I put those same things above my own physical and mental health.
I could say that I was being selfless and downright heroic in my actions of putting others first. But that would be a lie. The truth is, I was wrought with the disease of people-pleasing. Maybe you think it is a bit extreme of me to call people-pleasing a disease, but once you hear my reasoning, you may decide to agree.
Is People-Pleasing A Disease?
First, let’s define disease. According to Mirriam-Webster.com, a disease is
1. a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms.
2. a harmful development (as in a social institution).
3. obsolete: trouble.
Next, I’ll give you my own definition of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing is the over-desire to gain the approval of others by acquiescing to their asks or demands even at your own expense.
The way people-pleasing is similar to the first definition of disease is that it “impairs” our ability to function normally; in a way that aligns with who we are and fits our capacity to operate. The distinguishing signs and symptoms brought on by the stresses of people-pleasing include:
Symptoms of People-Pleasing
Anxiety
Overwhelm
Loss of Focus and Direction
Insomnia
Sense of Obligation
Weakness of voice (inablity to speak up for and represent authentic self)
Unmet Goals
Distractions
Diminished fulfillment
Unclear Purpose
Exhaustion
Burnout
People-pleasing is similar to the second definition of disease in that it leads to “harmful developments” including those mentioned above that can adversely affect our personal lives, families, and professional lives. And when our lives are guided by an insatiable desire to please others, it leads to “trouble.” All kinds of trouble.
So, yes, people-pleasing acts as a disease to those who dare find themselves infected with it. It impacts us mentally as it robs us of peace and emotional bandwidth, and physically as it steals our rest and creates stress that can lead to legitimate physical disease. Who would have thought such a seemingly selfless thing could be so harmful?
Leveraging Authenticity to Mitigate Distractions
Most of us are drawn to doing good things and we want to be helpful to others. But how do we determine if the good things we want to do or are asked to do are actually the enemy of what is best, especially when it is something that we are gifted to do?
The key is to know your best. In order to know your best, you will need to know yourself. Your best will be based upon the combination of your unique identity, giftings, talents, interests, purpose, and passions. It will align with who you are and why you are here on this earth. Your true self may or may not fit someone else’s vision or perception of you. But owning your identity will bring you a sense of joy and fulfillment that you won’t find otherwise. Your best may look similar to the best of others but it will be executed in a way that is unique to who you are.
So, when you have an opportunity placed before you, utilize the attributes of your authentic identity as a filter to determine if it is a fit. In fact, I encourage you to create your filter before the temptation to please is dangled before you. That way, you are less likely to have a knee-jerk reaction when something super shiny comes along.
All That Glimmers Is Not Gold
Shiny opportunities tend to catch our attention just when we grow weary of our best tasks that feel mundane in the moment, but if leaned into, will develop into a significant work that could be life-changing for someone. Those shiny ego-stroking opportunities boast of favor, success, money, likes, and possibly even fame, but we must assess whether those opportunities are a fit for who we are and our mission for this particular season of life. Maybe the shiny opps fit who we used to be or what we used to want, but are they congruent with who we are and where we are now?
If the shininess is not a fit for our present self, it will not bring us the fulfillment we genuinely desire. The sparkles it may bring cannot compete against the brilliance that awaits us if we choose to be undistracted from a life where our identity and purpose intersect. Mismatched opportunities will only serve as a drain and distraction from our true purpose and will leave us striving in futility to get more out of life.