Who I am is a question that many of us ask ourselves at some point in life. The thought may be driven by circumstances, unfulfilled expectations, or it may just come during a random “ah hah” moment that takes place when you realize, Wait a minute,…I’m not sure of who I am. If that thought has ever crossed your mind, you are not alone.
I suppose I’ve wrestled with my own identity since the very first time I was chided for doing something I enjoyed.
That’s not normal. What’s wrong with you? Girls don’t do that.
Hearing things like this made me feel like it was wrong for me to do certain things, even though I was really good at them and they filled my little heart with joy. Whenever I chose to do the “wrong thing,” ridicule or shunning would soon follow. I quickly learned that to avoid the criticism, rejection, and the unwanted feelings that came along with them, I would need to make some changes.
So, I began to watch everyone else to find out what was acceptable. I mean, what kid wants to be made fun of or be ostracized? During those formative years, I didn’t question the “whys” of so-called acceptable or unacceptable behaviors, it was all about me earning love, fitting in, and experiencing the coveted feelings of belonging.
That innate need to belong, seemed to tug harder on me at times than those antics I loved, so I was willing to compromise my deeply held convictions about playing with worms, climbing walls, flipping off fences, and other things that were labeled “odd” for little girls my age, back in the day. The big question in my mind became, Then, what should I like? I hadn’t even reached the double digits in age, yet I was already being influenced and subjected to the cultural molding process designed to make me into what others thought I should be.
The Wake-up Call
This “molding“ only increased as I moved through school, from grade to grade. But I didn’t recognize that my identity was being threatened, and even altered, until I was in my early twenties. I was newly married and had just made the move from Los Angeles to New York where my husband was working at the time. On a Sunday morning, we attended our first church service together as husband and wife. We sat in the center of a row towards the middle of the sanctuary. The church was filled and I was excited about meeting new people and starting a new life.
At some point, while the pastor was speaking, he announced to the church how happy he was to have (my husband), from the New York Jets, in attendance. At the time, it seemed strange to me that he would single us out. It caught us off guard and even angered me a bit because I felt like he took away the opportunity for us to get to know people in a more organic way and develop authentic friendships that didn’t leave us wondering if they had ulterior motives. But I tried to push the thought away and continue to listen.
When the church service was dismissed, my husband and I stood up and started moving towards the exit, only to find that the majority of the church was actually moving towards us. Let me correct that. They were not moving towards us, but they were moving towards him, my husband. Soon, I found myself being pushed back and squished into a corner several yards away from the man I had just married, as men and women pressed their way into his presence. I was looking around at the excitement on their faces as they shoved church bulletins and ink pens in his direction, hoping to gain an autograph. And the thought came to mind…
What about me?
That sounds bad, right? I know. Let me clarify. Now, it wasn’t that I wanted to receive that same type of attention as well. I had been in his presence when others sought his signature before. There was no jealousy or envy in play. So, it wasn’t that it happened, it was how it happened. Finding myself looking at things from this new perspective truly opened my eyes.
My inward response was more about me pondering the great value these individuals had placed on my husband because of his job vs. who he was as a person. Had he not been singled out and the name of his employer mentioned, would they have been so eager to meet him and befriend him?
This is what led to the question, What about Me? Does who I am outside of what I do truly matter, or must I ‘be’ something or ‘do’ something in order to have significance? And if I’m not being or doing, does it mean that my life does not have value? This flood of questions that washed through my mind regarding my own identity and value in this world outside of my accomplishments, would send me on a multi-year quest to discover, Who am I and does my life matter?
This vulnerable state I was in that afternoon also gave me a heart of compassion towards anyone who has ever found themselves living in someone else’s shadow or feeling like they lack value or significance because who they truly are just doesn’t measure up to the world’s standards.
That “trapped in a corner, devalued” feeling I had as a young bride 32 years ago was the beginning of my journey of helping women embrace their authentic identity and understand the great value they are in the eyes of their creator and to the world.
A New Mission
So, I guess I should thank that pastor for announcing my husband that day instead of being angry with him. Had he not done so, I may have never been pushed into that corner and drawn to study the topic of identity and purpose over the years. I don’t want anyone else to ever feel like I did that day; marginalized, unimportant, or needing to earn the approval of others in order to feel valued and respected. So, it has become my mission to help women reclaim, embrace, and walk in the fullness of who they were designed to be.
By the way, my love for those antics that I was encouraged to avoid earlier in life never left me because that is just a genuine part of who I am. Thankfully, I had a mom who recognized this and encouraged me to pursue the jumping and the flipping, but in a place much safer than the brick sidewalks of Cary Street in Richmond, Virginia. Having permission from my mom to operate in my authentic identity led to extraordinary opportunities for me as a world-class gymnast. Well, I’d like to be for you what my mom was for me: an advocate and champion for the true you.
So, here I am…ready to bring you over 25 years of experience gained while helping women navigate their worlds more confidently and purposefully.
Want to walk with me?
Let’s go!